When Darrell and I first saw those two beautiful, miraculous, terrifying double blue lines on the pregnancy test we had opposite reactions. I left the kitchen to cry. He threw his arms in the air and said, “thank you Lord, what a blessing!” It was hard for me. The previous week the kids had been out of control and I had one of those “SOMETHING has to change or I will die” moments multiple times. I was not ready to face another baby.
If someone had asked what I thought I would look like at six kids I would have said something far from my current reality. I thought I would be so patient, wise, calm, collected, and basically that I would have it all together. As Darrell and I laid in bed that fateful night I said, “I thought I would look different from this. I thought I would yell less and be a consistent discipliner and gentle mother.” I was in tears at this point….”why is it that six kids looks a lot different than what I thought it would?”
I have really struggled with this. I hate that when people offer to help me I usually need it. I have to humble myself and say, “yes, please take this bag or push this stroller.” It’s hard to admit you need help. To show up to Bible study with your hair unbrushed, missing your actual Bible study book, and forgetting one, two, three, four, or five kid lunches.
In each moment of disfunction that I face I remember character after character in the Bible, the weak ones, the ones who royally screwed up. David the adulterer, Gideon the wimp, the adulterous woman who walks away forgiven, Moses the murderer. They all failed at some point, but God redeemed.
I know that perfection will never happen. I also know that each child brings a new level of refinement, love, and joy. More importantly, I know that God can use me despite all of my daily mistakes and mishaps. I am deeply excited to meet our newest baby in the next 5 weeks and I simply pray that through the difficult days, and there will be many, that I will get on my knees and look to Him for my strength.
2 Corinthians 12:10 “For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”