Resurfacing

I anticipated that the week my boys first started school I would be skipping, dancing, and laughing down the street with all of my carefree joy shining out of me. Well, that’s not what happened. We have had some really nice highs and some very, very low lows.

High: Jack has been happier than he has been in a very, very long time. He even said, “Mom, I don’t think I have ever felt this happy.”  School has fed something in his soul that was missing in homeschool. I personally think it is getting to compete with other kids and to come out on top.  He feels smart, athletic, and liked. His other comment was, “Mom, I actually think everyone in my class likes me!”

Low: I have had some varied reactions to these comments as you can imagine. Part of me shouts, “YES! YES! YES! My boy is happy!!!”  The other part of my heart wishers, “why wasn’t I enough for him? Why did I have to yell so often that home became a place of sadness instead of joy?”  My heart aches. ACHES. Instead of joyful leaps down the street I walk away from the bus stop with tears in my eyes.  I miss my boys. I desperately miss some of my best friends who are now gone for 8 hours 5 days a week.  I feel the absence of lazy breakfast conversations and sleeping in. The absence of seeing them build forts and climb tree and creating weird/useless junk.

High: I have felt a resurfacing of old desires which has been awesome! The first week they were at school I looked at my kitchen counter and saw blueberries and avocados sitting next to each other and I yelled, “Holy Cow! I want to make baby food.”  I couldn’t believe it. That was the LAST thing I wanted to do when my stress level was through the roof.  And then, I composted! Darrell knows I am doing awesome if I actually compost! Another awesome benefit of public school is that I have time to attend to hurting friends. I can watch kids for them, have coffee with them, make them cookies. ALL things I could not do while homeschooling.  There have been so many blessings….but….

Low: Hudson cries every day. E-V-E-R-Y  D-A-Y! And it’s not about school. It’s about me not listening or his sitter looking at him the wrong way. Something is hurting inside of him and I can’t figure it out. My only time with them is so hectic because the little girls are usually crying from 5:00-7:00 pm so he gets very little of me. He wants to homeschool again and we are trying to pray about if that would be possible starting in January.  He is a very easy kid to homeschool so it would not be too difficult, but when I reflect on the enormity of packing, selling, sorting, and giving away all of our things for Burundi, homeschooling a 2nd grader doesn’t seem to fit in.  We’ll see.

The verse I have carried in my heart this week has been this:

Zecharia 4:6 “Not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit’ Says the Lord.”

I am praying that I parent by His spirit, walk away from the bus stop by His spirit, hold my tongue and control my yelling by His spirit…..that I live by His spirit, because that it absolutely the only way for me to resurface and stay above the waters.

appropriate song link here 🙂